Thursday, June 18, 2015

My hubs and I talk about what it would be like to have a second child, joke about names we would name him or her, but our current plan involves getting a second IUD. Any child will come later, or not at all. I am sad, and glad about this. Our first child, my sweet love bug, is so close to perfection, she makes having a kid seem easy. Lulling me into the belief that raising children is easy. SHE is easy to raise. Eminently loveable, strangers find her cute and praise her, but she is not vain, merely accepting of their praise and happy. Like all kids she does get in trouble, refuses to do things, argues with me. Always though in the end she does as she is told and says sorry or please or thank you. She yearns to be praised, so she tries to please. 

it seems almost greedy to want another one. Surely a second child cannot possibly be as easy, as sweet, gently, kind, helpful, and obedient. I cannot be that lucky. This is my fear and what really keeps me from wanting a second child.

I know I have to capacity to love both my children as much as each other, but if my second child is not as easy to raise as my first, if she does not measure up to the high standard my love bug has set before them, how can I truly love her, or him, as much? 

a second child might make her less easy as well, as perhaps she will be jealous of her sibling, not wanting to share mom, her toys, her room, her cat... Her center of attention. Because always she likes to be paid attention. Look at me, listen to me, see what I am doing. To have a second child, would mean less focus on her.

Perhaps that would be good, I know already as she has entered school she must already experience this to a degree, the teachers must pay equal amounts of attention to the children in their class, but also I know from my own experience, that if the teacher is made to notice you, to remember you, you do better, so perhaps this strong desire to be paid attention to will help her drive her self into the spotlight so that she will have the attention she desires, perhaps that will fuel her to succeed. 

ultimately I believe this choice to renew the IUD to mean will will remain a three member family. To much longer and the gap between the two children would be to wide. Plus I am getting older, only four more safe years left. Oh it can be done after 40, but the risks are higher. Every year I wait now for a second child increases the risks.

I am happy with one child, the dream I had som many years ago of me and my three children in front of the temple is so long ago. I feel no great desire to have another, I miss nursing, but I revel in the way my life is now. I cannot imagine being happier with a second than I am with my one. With one I can be sure we can give her all those things we would like, we can save and provide her with them, but it would be much harder with two.